A hundred steps II

6.“Have a good day at work.”

The words hit her the day after Emma’s disappearance when she enters the dinner and sees the table the blonde tended to drink her breakfast in with just enough time to arrive at the station before it was a little too late. It wasn’t like the blonde actually needed to be on the station because the only bad things that ever arrived at Storybrooke were through magical portals and occasionally through the town line but they always had the same banter, the same shared joke between the two of them every single day as she drank her dark coffee and Emma attacked her hot chocolate.

And well, it was only a shared smirk and her own voice saying those words with just enough sarcasm to let the blonde know that she was actually telling her the truth even if it wasn’t exactly like that before exiting herself through that same door towards the Town Hall or wherever she needed to be.

And is precisely that door the one that signals the beginning of a new day, a day in which Emma isn’t there, drinking her hot chocolate, looking at her and already waiting for Regina’s words. And Regina knows that is stupid to even care so much of a shared joke that wasn’t even one to begin with but when she sees the sad eyes of Ruby and the worried gazes of the rest of the patrons she realizes that yes, everything is different and the town is still standing but too precariously to even try to deny it.

And Robin is at her side with Roland and a tentative smile that she returns and tries to walk away from that table in which Emma had answered every single day since they started their own little banter with a nod and a wink. And at first everything was just rhetorical and the blonde’s answer infuriated her but now, now that she isn’t there anymore, Regina wants to turn and leave the dinner behind, like the yellow car and the perfume of the blonde that still lingers on her parent’s apartment.

But she can’t and she doesn’t understand why everything hurts like it does.

7.“I dreamt about you last night.”

Is quite humorous the way those words hung between the two of them when Regina finally encounters Emma in outskirts of Storybrooke. Maybe even because the first thing Regina thinks is the fact that she has also been dreaming about Emma almost nonstop since she disappeared.

But the leather-clothed woman who is looking at her isn’t exactly Emma although the words sound sincere in a way that makes the brunette narrow her eyes and try to blink away her doubts.

And everything is still hurting and she doesn’t exactly know why those words burn the way they do and  notEmma is now tilting her head to one side and smiling sadly, like she used to do when she thought about a particular something that Regina couldn’t understand or follow.

And they weren’t friends, not exactly, and not partners, not entirely and they weren’t many other things that they could have been but as those words, whispered with Emma’s voice but without her candor hit her Regina clenches her jaw and walks towards her, almost wanting to be sure of how much of those words are really the truth.

And yes, is stupid and yet the only thing she can think off is “I also dreamt about you”

8.“Take my seat.”

Emma wants to say no and walk away almost as much as just seat and rest, finally rest after days and hours of cold and water and fear and darkness. And she could stay and look at her parents and smile at a still silent Hook while trying to understand why Regina is looking at her the way she is doing; with fear and wonder and something else entirely that she doesn’t exactly want to understand.

But the offer is too tempting and the dark magic seems to have become silent after Regina grabbed her hand and so she nods and sits, smiling and mumbling a “Thank you” that the brunette can’t exactly hear although she nods and conjures another chair next to her with the same effort one would blink.

And well, there are a myriad of questions she tries to understand where they are coming from and a lot of hugging and crying and something that looks remotely like a sentence from Hook before everything starts to be too much and too little and the magic threatens to overcome her but Regina is there and so Emma tries to smile and be there for everyone else.

Even if, at the end, the one she is there isn’t her parents or Hook but Regina, the one who has offered her seat even before the rest finished hugging her and trying to make her explain why she feels different, how much of herself is still inside of her even if she isn’t exactly sure about how much she can exactly tell before the dark magic takes over.

9.“I saved a piece for you.”

The words sound strange on the blonde’s lips but the way a tiny smile tugs the corner of Regina’s just for a second makes her exhale and actually feel more like herself than anything else.

It has been days since she had appeared to the brunette woman and everything is still too blurry for her to even understand why anger and fear seems to be the only emotions she now is capable of feel and recognize. Power and hate are there also, swirling on the back of her mind while trying to make her drown and she is still feeling as if someone had cut her in half and told her that she needs to be like that just because.

Words and murmurs follow her and it’s not a secret the fact that Regina is now the one who is there for the citizens so Emma is now free to walk and try to understand why and what she is, what and why she isn’t anymore.

Everything is just too complicated so maybe that’s why she is there, in the dinner, in her old spot giving Regina the las piece of chocolate cake; the one Regina would say is horrible and eat it nonetheless.

The trick with Regina is to never say anything against apples.

And yes, is stupid the fact that she had indeed being waiting for her to actually start eating her own piece of cake, cake that she had asked Ruby to made a few hours before, but is the only thing she can think off that actually makes her feel like herself.

And there are a lot of things the two of them need to talk about. Like Robin, Marian, Hook, like the Author, Merlin, Henry.

Too many names, too many complications that hurt and exists and just are in front of the two of them making everything more complicated than already is.

And Henry doesn’t exactly look her in the eyes anymore even if he is trying to help her and Hook has still try to contact her, fear and revulsion on his eyes and voice every time Emma tries to see him. And Robin is just someone who she really doesn’t like so much so the words hung unsaid between the two of them as they eat and look at each other.

Regina’s lips are stained with melted chocolate and Emma wonders about that fact as she tries to not run and leave Storybrooke behind, as she tries not to turn and left because she isn’t even one of them anymore.

Maybe it would be better if she disappeared, is a thought she has been toying with for a while. But if she disappear no one would ever realize that Regina also needs a break and just a piece of cake even if she states that she hates it or even if she tries to make a face as she take bite after bite not fooling anyone but wanting to anyway. So she doesn’t go.

Even if everything burns and everything feels so different that she can’t even really think of how things were before.

10.“I’m sorry for your loss.”

The wording comes out wrong and so when the blonde looks at her, eyes rimmed with red and a tired look on her eyes Regina doesn’t even try to say anything to cover the sentence.

The two of them know that she is lying, she isn’t happy for Emma’s tears but she doesn’t see the pirate’s sudden departure like something bad.

Even with that Regina is being sincere with the blonde, blonde who is looking at the sea while trying not to free the magic bubbling just below the surface, close and strong enough for Regina to actually feel it. And the thing Regina can only think is that they aren’t exactly talking about Hook and Emma’s relationship anymore. Not that they talked about the fact that Emma kissed him the night she decided to trade herself for Regina. Not that Regina cares about it; they had just simply forgot to mention to each other because they aren’t the kind of women or friends who talk about those kind of things so maybe the wording is just strange because there is nothing Regina can actually say. Even if she tries to.

Regina knows that Emma is already thinking on something else, in a different kind of loss who she had seen reflected back at her too many times on her bathroom’s mirror to even try to deny it that she had seen it.

Loss, loss not because of the pirate, the one who claimed to be the blonde’s true love, but true loss, the one who makes the heart burn and the lungs choke while everything is crumbling and being destroyed by your own personal demons.

And Regina is sorry for that too because there is nothing she can do for Emma, that’s a path the blonde needs to take, alone or not alone, with her or with anyone else.

And everything still hurts and is complicated and illogical and she still can’t think what to do anymore so when Emma inhales and touches her hand for the tiniest of time Regina nods and hums as Hook’s ship disappears on the horizon carrying with him everything the brunette had hoped he would be able to give to Emma.

“I know”